January 2010 – Chai Cafe Magazine

Dear Komal
Dear Komal (birth name), When I think about my own history of abuse and my path to healing, I realize that grief comes up. I grieve for the lost innocent child who was astonished and shocked to be slapped out of the blue, for no logical reason. With each unfair transgression to the child I […]
Triggers and handling them
Psych Central describes triggers as: “A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.” Wikipedia defines a trauma trigger as: “A trauma trigger is an experience that causes someone to recall a previous traumatic memory, although the trigger itself need not […]
Amazing Turmeric
The common Indian spice turmeric has been coming up a lot in various news stories and studies Awareness of its benefits seem to be growing everyday. I am being prompted to cook more and more Indian food which normally includes turmeric. http://wakeup-world.com/2014/11/01/turmeric-extract-improves-brain-function-in-one-dose/
Asian American doll?
I recently saw a commercial parody on SNL that highlighted some of my issues with the term and label “Asian.” It’s such a catch-all term that just seems to indicate how lazy the Western world can be in learning the actual country someone is from, so they choose a big continent as label instead. Take […]
Book Review: Threading the Needle by Marie Bostwick
In Threading the Needle, Marie Bostwick discusses friendship lost and then found. She explores the ways we create the experiences of our past and future, along with the impact of relationships with family and friends. Bostwick uses as the background of her story the recent economic downturn in the US. One character becomes the wife […]
Share your story
Share your story of reconciling your bi-cultural heritage and seeking authenticity, anonymously. Email it to priamba6@gmail.com. You may find that sharing is cathartic and healing. You may also find support and connection. I will make certain that there is nothing to identify you (unless you state otherwise).
Mothering and Motherhood
We all grow up with a certain sense of how we perceive the mothering we receive and the role of motherhood in our lives- whether as mothers ourselves or as children in need of mothering. This role evolves throughout our lives – whether it is about our changing how we parent while keeping in mind […]
Summer Vacation to India?
For many South Asians, summers have meant a trip back home, especially while growing up in the states. Our parents wanted to make sure we were getting a good dose of our heritage to balance out all the Western exposure and values we were subject to the rest of our time. For most of us, […]
Being “ABCD” and Authenticity
When we are “American Born Confused Desis” or even become “American Born Confident Desis,” how do we reconcile past cultural expectations of us with our quest to be our own empowered authentic women? Do expectations of our upbringing fit with our quest to be true to ourselves or do we have to make adjustments? If so, what are they?
Individualism
One of the key differences I’ve observed and experienced as differences between the culture of my heritage and that which I’ve grown up in is the level of focus on individualism. Much in the Western and particularly American culture is based on the value and importance of the individual.

Is India Helping Haiti?

Social Causes Comments Off

Jan 192010

It’s been heart-warming hearing of so many different countries reaching out to Haiti and arriving there, including China. I noticed there was no mention of India.

It would be sad if India has not sent help, particularly with its own history of earthquakes. I remember a tremor as a child there, while in school, sitting on the floor, and seeing the teacher’s desk go from one side of the room to another.

If India wants to be seen as a more developed country, it must be present at such situations, showing it can be a force to help.

Although we have contributed to The Red Cross, I feel helpless not being able to do more.

Starting My New Life

Memoir-1987 Comments Off

Jan 142010

Once we got back to the states and Pittsburgh, we moved to a small apartment closer to my school. I was stunned for several years in college, at a school I had not expected to be at. I stayed away from the Indian crowd and focused on my roles of student and wife. I felt like a robot, going to school where I knew no one and then cooking once I got home. I felt no connection between my life and that of my working husband. Soon after school started, my in-laws came to visit for about 6 months. It may not have been that long, but it seemed forever. We gave them our bedroom and slept on the floor in the living room.

I was able to make my marriage last 5 years before its demise. There was some friendship and connection, but it seemed the union was to obtain a green card through me as I am a US citizen. The whole family seemed to be in on it. It does not feel good to be used that way and have given five years of my life to the cause. My husband stayed more connected to his ex-girlfriend, who I believe he had an affair with. There were unaccounted for times when he was gone overnight without any explanation. He stayed in communication with her and discussed our fights with her. There was a present from her when I got back from a study-abroad trip to India. As our divorce approached, my husband expressed his desire to unite with her, despite learning that she had cheated on him with all his classmates while they were in graduate school.

I met my next husband soon after the end of my marriage. Inexperienced with my wants and needs or the dating world, I ended up staying in that relationship 11 years, despite a lack of compatibility. It was obvious to anyone it could have been a brief fling at most. However, this is not within the realm of a South Asian girl, particularly a conservative Indian Brahmin girl. It did not help that there was no parental guidance or other family involvement as I tried to navigate a messy divorce and life in a city where all social involvements were through my husband and his colleagues. My social life had mostly consisted of hosting his colleagues and their spouses. All of this disappeared and it was as if the 5 years vanished.

Trip to India

Memoir, Memoir-1987 Comments Off

Jan 082010

Relenting to marriage had became an escape from parents I was ready to leave and the home life I had, which seemed to be an ever-increasing obstacle to anything I wanted.

Before my trip to help my new in-laws with my ailing new father-in-law, I felt like I was in the twilight zone as I watched my mom pack gifts for in-laws I had never met that I was to take to India with me. It felt like dowry. I believe she had received a list of what she was to send. My father had sent a letter to them informing me I was apparently some super-religious, very “Indiany” Brahmin girl. Here I was trying to look like Madonna like every other girl my age in 1986. I liked to pride myself on being a feminist. My father apparently had no clue or interest in who I was. I was just being sold and branded as a product that would be palatable.

Much of my trip was spent in the hospital with my in-laws and being paraded at a reception party at one point. Anything given to me, mostly money, was to be handed to my mother-in-law, who kept tabs on what was received. They decked me out in jewelry that was not mine as I later learned. My sister-in-law gifted me a set that before I left she took back saying she needed to get it “resized.” Of course I never saw it again. What they did give during the trip, they complained I was not thankful enough for. I gave it back, which became part of one of the fights with my new husband. My head was spinning with trying to keep up with expectations and rituals.

I was getting lost and could barely recall the person I had been six months prior and the hopes and expectations I had for my life.